Inspiration to implement
This is The Summer Prep Series
The mindset, curation, and organization for a summer of family connection, and growth at home.
Part 1 Resources: Mindset
This week, in Part 1, you travelled with me from one mindset to another. From patient yet and rigid and lacking compassion, to open-hearted, encouraging and firm. What we discovered is that the parenting approach called Respectful Parenting falls under the authoritative parenting style.
Parenting styles are psychological constructs that represent different strategies that parents use in raising their children.
What deserves an extra mention is that authoritative parenting results in children that are competent, responsible and have a high self-esteem. Following the respectful parenting approach adds a framework for collaboration and connection. Variations on this framework include Positive Parenting, Gentle Parenting and Intentional Parenting among others. So many great key words and hashtags to search!
Before we dive into all of the good-for-your-brain-and-family-life resources I’m hoping you’ll want to surround yourself with over the coming weeks, let’s take a moment to understand why Respectful Parenting and it’s related approaches are our chosen path. Just to be sure, right?
Baumrind's parenting typology, lightly unpacked.
Using what she found to be the 4 basic elements that shape parenting success, Dr. Diana Baumrind defined 4 parenting styles.
These basic elements are: responsive, unresponsive, demanding, and undemanding.
This google image search will give you many variations of this graphic as well as additional details if you enjoy visuals.
The resulting styles are: Authoritarian, Permissive/Indulgent, Neglectful, and Authoritative.
Let’s look at the Authoritarian, Permissive/Indulgent and Neglectful first as they have various less than ideal and in some cases detrimental effects on children.
However, before we do that, I want to take a moment to remember that it’s not all bad - after all, so many of us grew up with these styles of parenting and here we are, learning to break the cycles right? Learning about these has been an important part of my journey as a parent, partner, and woman. Understanding these styles and their outcomes allows me to make informed decisions about my own behaviour, our home culture, and in cultivating and interacting within our communities.
Demanding but not responsive. These parents are rigid and strict. It can be split into 2 types:
a. Nonauthoritarian-directive: directive, but not intrusive or autocratic
b.Authoritarian-directive: highly intrusive - parental control, and inhibition of adolescent’s thoughts and feelings through guilt, love withdraw, and manipulation
Responsive but not demanding. These parents don’t require children to regulate or behave appropriately. They are nurturing and accepting.
Not responsive or demanding.
And lastly, to contrast the above…
Demanding and responsive. A child centred approach where parents expect a high level of maturity from children while being helpful and supportive during challenges. Natural consequences are used over punishment. Within clear standards and limits, the children develop deep autonomy.
The result is children that are self-directed, independent and score higher in terms of competence, mental health, and social development than the other 3 parenting styles. Motivation for those around us still coming around to the idea of trying something different than they were raised with!
This is your invitation to immerse
If you’re like me, then you won’t be able to unsee what we just saw. You’re going to notice Authoritarians, Permissives, and Neglectfuls everywhere. But even more so, you are going to see Authoritatives all over the place. You might even catch their eye while they navigate a challenge with their child, and smile knowingly and gently at them as they help guide their toddlers child’s behaviour, or challenge the logic of their teenager respectfully and with expectations of a well thought through response.
You might even linger at a respectful distance, as I often do, to see what you can learn from them. After all, it’s hard to find good influences.
Your weekend challenge: Ready, set, subscribe!
…to their feeds and post notifications (if you really want to soak it ALL up), to their newsletters, and to audible so you can listen to their books while curating and organizing your space in the coming weeks with me ;)
These recommendations are what has inspired me and my family, given our unique values and principles, our work and recreation, housing etc. Maybe some will connect with you, and others won’t. Perhaps some will be useful now and other later.
I share this list with great admiration for these academics, writers, practitioners, educators, more often than not, parents, and their common ability to see something miraculous in the modest and mundane.
The Whole Brain Child
Book by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
“As children develop, their brains "mirror" their parent's brain. In other words, the parent's own growth and development, or lack of those, impact the child's brain. As parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the rewards and move toward health as well.”
Book by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
“Connection means that we give our kids our attention, that we respect them enough to listen to them, that we value their contribution to problem solving, and that we communicate to them that we’re on their side—whether we like the way they’re acting or not.”
Book by Dr. Shefali Tsabury
“In other words, while you may believe your most important challenge is to raise your children well, there’s an even more essential task you need to attend to, which is the foundation of effective parenting. This task is to raise yourself into the most awakened and present individual you can be. The reason this is central to good parenting is that children don’t need our ideas and expectations, or our dominance and control, only for us to be attuned to them with our engaged presence.”
Book by Dr. Becky Kennedy
“If you want to stop yelling at your kids, you have to know this secret: We can’t stop yelling at our kids until we stop yelling at ourselves. If you yell at your kids when they struggle or make a mistake, it’s a sure bet sign you yell at yourselves in the same conditions. So next time you’re having a hard time, take a deep breath and say to yourself, ‘I’m a good person who is having a hard time. I can get through this.’ Watch how that compassion will start flowing out more naturally to your kids.”
In your inbox:
The Examined Family, how to live loving, humble and brave, by writer Courtney Martin
5 Love Languages Newsletter, sharing insights into how love is given and received, by Dr. Gary Chapman
The Marginalian, providing timeless nourishment, by poet and writer Maria Popova
The Map is Mostly Water, a stromata of anecdotes, fables, tales, advice if you ask for it, photography, questions, sentiment, and ways to get lost in the forest, by Simon Sarris
On IG (and maybe TW or FB too):
So many of you are here from my @buenomarket’s Instagram so I will be creating a highlight on my profile with 20+ more accounts you might enjoy. You might also find these people on other platforms that you prefer to use.
Here are a handful of favourites:
For evidence based practices:
@seed.and.sew - M. Ed. and emotional processing
@curious_neuron - the science of parenting
@drbeckyatgoodinside - she’s that good that I have her here twice! *
@caleykukla - child behaviour and developmental specialist. *
*Currently post notifications on for me as I prepare my mind for summer
For mindful vibes:
@peopleiveloved - emotionally enlightening illustrations because humans are complicated
@newhappyco - Happiness is using your gifts to make the world a better place.
@littleyogisca - yoga and mindfulness for kids
For those with older kids:
@coolmompicks - for those with older kids
I’m very grateful to Seed and Sew for the permission to share this graphic with you - part of one of their recent IG posts on reframing. Make sure to see the important work they are doing in emotional regulation and education. Their website and podcast are great resources!
I’m sure this list will grow as you share your favourites with me over conversations, DMs or in the comments below, and I continue explore, or uncover gems sitting on the back of my bookshelves, or hidden deep in the archives of my inbox.
From inspiration to implementation:
This part is personal. When I reflect, I often find myself needing to deep dive further into certain topics. Other times, I’ve uncovered some truth about myself or the world that I want to sit with for a while. I know I’ve come across something special when I feel I’m able to resolve some part of my past - unacknowledged feelings, or assumptions I’ve been holding on to and move on. If you feel inspired to share some part of your journey in the comments, please do.
I’m focusing over the next few weeks on:
reframing (thoughts and language I use), and
making sure to attribute my feelings correctly, especially after a tough parenting moment I had with Isla, my almost 7 year old, last week.
Right before bedtime last week, Isla was upset with what I was asking her to do (which was to continue a conversation the following day as it was bedtime) and reached out to hit me. I was tired, stressed, and emotional and I said the wrong thing to her in response.
What could have been a moment where I focused on her actions and let the healthy guilt (moral compass building) work through her, instead I did this:
I chose an unrelated consequence.
It went something like: “you hit me and that means I can’t let you do this this thing with your friend tomorrow (that I know she really wanted to do) because I’m not sure you’ll act nicely with them.”
It was a stretch.
I was struggling to bring it to the core of the issue. Which was:
“We don’t hit each other.”
And then could have followed with a chance to repair with me. Or could have given her a chance to try the interaction over again.
These things happen.
All of the inner work I’ve done the past year and resources like @caleykukla and @drbeckyatgoodinside have really come to the rescue. I’m realizing that launching this newsletter and consulting services at Bueno Market is a BIG adjustment for me and my family. It’s taking up mind space, home space, and time that used to be for my family, and everyone is feeling the effects of that.
I’m finding ways to be gentle with myself and everyone else. To make sure they feel heard. To make sure I take the moments I need to refill and refuel. That means morning fitness and nutritious meals are no compromise items. Sleeping enough is my final frontier.
Maybe you’ve had a moment like this lately…maybe even today. I wanted to share because while many things about this past week have been beautiful, fresh, and exciting, there is a very normal mom and family behind the scenes riding the ebbs and flows of family life just like you are.
Hello from our old children’s work space and soon to be library and music space :) We’ve begun our main floor curation + organization, ready to share with you in Part 2 and 3!
What’s next for Raise In Place? Here’s The Summer Prep Series schedule:
Part 1’s resources + weekend challenge (here!)
June 13th - Part 2: Curation + Organization
June 17th - Part 2’s follow up resources + weekend challenge
June 20th - Part 3: Curation + Organization
June 24th - Part 3’s follow up resources + summer challenge
July 26th - Half-way Check-in
August 30th - Summer Reflection
Wishing you a weekend full of new inspiration and perhaps building or reinforcing patterns like me!
Until next time,
This newsletter is called Raise In Place, and is the newsletter companion to my Residential Design Consulting Services + Shop, Bueno Market. This Summer Prep post is part of a series inside that newsletter called The Summer Prep Series.
Questions, comments, requests > firstname.lastname@example.org
This article was originally published on the writing platform Substack on June 11th 2022. To find it and a complete collection of the original publications and to join as a free or paid subscriber, visit the Raise In Place on Substack.