Why should I observe my child? And how do I start?
When I’m open and curious, it strengthens my bond with my child and creates meaningful opportunities for growth and connection.
But as parents, we also get caught in completely normal, human moments, like moment my 4 year old. Here’s how it went:
“Stop Ezra!”
“Mommy…you scared me.”
“I’m sorry Ezra. I didn’t mean to. I’ll ask a question next time instead of shouting stop. I was just surprised to see you pouring water into your shoe.”
“Thanks mommy. I was trying to clean my shoe. Can you help me?”
I’ve learned the hard way that the power of observation isn’t just about watching my child so that I GAIN INSIGHT into their process, skills, and goals.
It’s more than that.
It’s one of the many and important ways that I protect my child’s focus, and capacity to sustain that focus (concentration), and model respectful communication.
No matter if I catch myself during or after the moment, repairing with my child, and improving my ability to start with observation is always worth it.
If you want to learn more about the Montessori art of observation, read on.
5 reasons to observe a child
- You will be more aware of what they need from you in the situation.
- You will enable them to communicate with you, without you leading the situation.
- You will help them concentrate for longer periods of time.
- It will help you to see the world from their perspective.
- You become a role model for how to communicate and also a witness of what motivates them.
Why observe our children?
Observation is a fundamental practice in Montessori parenting, allowing us to understand our children's needs, interests, and developmental milestones more deeply. By observing without judgment or interference, we gain valuable insights that inform our parenting approach.
As you go about your week, carry this mantra with you. Cultivate a mindset of curiosity and awareness as you observe your child's journey. By embracing the power of observation, you'll strengthen your bond with your child and create meaningful opportunities for growth and connection.
Other opportunities for observation
You can practice observation anytime your child is working independently of you. Try using the the Notice, Wonder, Connect model shared by Alexa Kapor-Mater, a Montessori educator and writer behind the Montessori Cosmos blog.
First notice.
Can you see objectively what your child is doing? What are they saying? What materials/tools are they using? Notice any internal dialogue you are having in reaction to it? Are you judging their technique or the outcome of their work? Are you thinking of how it will impact the rest of the day. “Gosh they’ll never be able to clean this up.” Hold back from any action or communication.
Now wonder.
Ask questions. Why are they choosing to use those materials or that technique. What need is it fulfilling? You can question your own responses here - are they true? “Is the mess really that bad? Or will a 3 minute dance + cleaning party do the trick.”
Lastly, connect.
Combine these observations with your knowledge of child development, and your unique child’s growth and considerations. Are they tired and that’s why they’re not showing as much care as they usually do? Are they choosing to use their hands to transfer the beans from one container to the next instead of the provided scoop because they’re self-soothing from a difficult morning with a grounding repetitive sensory activity.
Our experience guiding and providing for our children can be so much richer when practice observing in this way.
A tip you might not hear elsewhere:
One of the most incredible opportunities to practice observation would be at your child’s (or cousin’s, friend’s, neighbour’s Montessori school.)
Recently I was invited to observe the classes at Toronto's Odyssey Montessori School by Directress and Emmi member Marie Hui.
Here’s my #1 takeaway: Children can perform incredibly independently and with purpose in an environment where the adults are observant, attentive, and are able to maintain a calm and collected emotional state.
The power of the pause
I’ll never forget the impact that Caley Kukla had on me when she taught me to “find the pause”. Forever grateful. You can find Caley over on Instagram here.
Cayley put words to a process so many Montessori guides have perfected - the pause. It’s that moment between an event, and your reaction to it, allowing us to react more intentionally and proportionally.
We learn “Don’t cry over spilled milk” you know how hard that can be when you’re tired, and going to the store to get more can feel like the last straw on an already taxing day.
But pausing can give us the moment we need to come to the challenge with creativity.
Can you ask your kid free neighbour to pick-up an extra carton on her way home from work? Or maybe it’s time to use that grocery delivery coupon sitting in your inbox.
The power of the pause is its ability to keep our thinking brain online.
A mindfulness exercise to try today
Try this 2 Minute Mindfulness Exercise: Take a moment to observe your child with a curious and open mind. Notice their actions, expressions, and interactions with the world around them. Embrace the power of observation as a tool for deepening your connection and understanding of your child.
☀️ This Week's Mantra: "I can observe mindfully."
Observation is a fundamental practice in Montessori parenting, allowing us to understand our children's needs, interests, and developmental milestones more deeply. By observing without judgment or interference, we gain valuable insights that inform our parenting approach.
As you go about your week, carry this mantra with you. Cultivate a mindset of curiosity and awareness as you observe your child's journey. By embracing the power of observation, you'll strengthen your bond with your child and create meaningful opportunities for growth and connection.
Want more access to our wonderful mindfulness exercises?
In 2023 I started emailing a weekly mindfulness practice for Montessori parents to help elevate our parenting and show up for our families prepared and renewed:
☀️ 1 email/week
☀️ 1 minute to read
☀️ 1 science-backed mindful parenting mantra and insight
And it's been growing ever since. Want to join us?
In conclusion
Observation along with “finding the pause” can be so powerful as it will give your child room to grow and learn. It will also be an opportunity to deepen your connection and communication with them.
Now over to you - have you tried pausing and observing?